Just Another Thoughts

I came home few days ago, and stay in it for 2 days non stop. Alone. And than i started to think, about what i've done in this year. Maybe i think too much, i don't know either. 

It started because i missed a person. A lot. I go crazy because i miss him. I don't know how and i don't know why, but this person i care the most started to keeping at a distance and seems to build up a wall. He didn't text me like he used to. Well, maybe he's busy, i don't know. I just wanna know if he's doing well. Maybe he was annoyed? Then i started to think. Did I do something wrong recently? I don't know. I really don't have any idea. He said the mistakes i did just flew into his mind. And it has already passed, he forgave me. But i feel different. It's just not the same. I called, we talked about half an hour. I thought i could spit it all out  on the phone, but i cowardly waited until he done talking. And just right before i'm about to spit it all out, the hang up tone went in. It was the signal problem, thanks. At that point, i started to think again. Not just about him and what did i do to him, but also all my mistakes i remember i did in this year. 

Countless mistakes. They should've not forgive me. I was so ruthless. I had no heart. I broke so many hearts. No wonder he prayed for me to be more and more gentle. I think more about it. And i feel like a crap. Why i care about those people? Why i care about everybody? Why? I remember this year's new year celebration. I didn't have any specific resolution. I didn't care about the world, about what am i supposed to do for another human being. I didn't take sides, i never take one until now and maybe i never will. I didn't care what other people think about me. I didn't make any new year posts. I graduated as the number one in school and i didn't brag about it in my college. I lived by myself. I took good care of myself. And now i just realize why this year is very different. 

I live with others. After 18 years i only live with my parents, on January 2014 i rent a small room near my university and live with other people, i call them friends. I don't know what they call me. I started to care about them. I found friends, even best friends, even a brother! Wow i just realized what i've become in a year. Crazy, right? Yes, and that changed me a lot. 

I'm still thinking. About what've i done in this year. Forgiving me is not easy, i know. I've told you i'm heartless and ruthless. I have the gentle side a bit, and it grows as the days passed by. I know, no one will see it, or even take a glimpse. You know what would he -- the one i really care about -- will say in this kind of situation? "God see it". Yes He is. And i know i can prove the world, and Him, and him, that i have a gentle heart. Just wait for it. Maybe next year. Wow i made a resolution. Haha. I've changed. Either you like it or not. I wish you like it. I really do. Sorry for the bad English.