Kenapa

? 

I Wish I Could Tell You

That everything's gonna be just fine
That you don't have to rush into anything
That you're doing great
That you're an amazing person
That you deserve everything good in this world
That you aren't less of a person because someone has rejected you

To love yourself even more
To trust yourself more than I trust you
To forgive yourself
To heal yourself
To not second-guess yourself
To surrender your life to God



That you can count on me
That I'll always be there for you no matter what
That from now on, the only way to go is up

Siklus

Hujan di sana

Mengalir ke mana

Menguap ke mana

Jadi awan sesaat

Kembali hujan di mana

Pertama

Hujan di situ

Mengalir ke hulu

Menguap ke sini

Bersama jadi awan 

Abu-abu

Terbawa angin

Lalu hujan di mana lagi

Kedua

Hujan di sana

Mengalir ke samudera

Menguap ke sini

Bersama jadi awan

Menghitam, mencekam

Terpecah angin

Lalu hujan di mana lagi

Ketiga

Ternyata sudah hujan lagi

Dan mengalir asri

Nyata dan kawi

Selanjutnya

Apa siklus yang sama?

Atau boleh berselawat

Untuk adanya perbedaan?

Once Upon an Afternoon

I can’t even recall your eye color

But I remember they glisten

When the twilight comes scattered on them

As the sunset shines a warm ray across your smile

I can’t even recall what we were talking about

But I remember the way you listen

Chapter by chapter of the whole thespian

Giving full attention followed by that winsome laugh

Doors & Keys

The world‘s surrounded by doors. My world, specifically speaking, and it was all closed doors. Most of the time, at least for me, it feels safe. But the others are different. Some people walk around with only windows, all closed, but with very thin glasses, of course with no door at all, conspicuously speaking. Another man I saw was with a door. Yes, a door. Just. One. Door. No window, maybe with ventilation but, well, do I really need to care about that. How handy, you think, but maybe a little inconvenient, because the door is pretty small for the guy, from what I remember. Won’t allow two people to go in and out at the same time, they’ll have to wait. One day I also found a little boy with one small door, but the key is left outside. Poor clumsy little boy. Oh, I remember saw a girl once with doors, but all were opened -- not even real doors, they were mosquito net doors -- and it arranged horizontally! What a nightmare. Or maybe I saw her on Halloween, that’ll make sense.

Back to mine. I was safe. I felt safe. What would you expect from closed doors, really. Whether in day or night, rain or shine, my doors was always closed, all of it. Nothing goes in, nothing goes out. I held my keys like 24/7. Sounds safe, right? I never had any intention to open them, not even once. I like myself for that. I feel comfortable. Then, I saw men, overflows with powerful universal knowledge, walk around searching for an open door to share their knowledge. Guess what, I intrigued. I opened a door, the one close to the back of my head. I received their knowledge, and some of the men, the most powerful ones with their master key. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. The more knowledge I received, the more curious I was. One door wasn’t enough, I thought. So I opened more doors for it because why not. I wanted to be a smart human being, just like them, or once I thought. It was all great, smooth, until one time, I realized something. That knowledge changed me. I started to feel deficient. “I’ve opened too many doors,” I thought. So, I narrowed it down, and eventually, it was in control again. But, it wasn’t feel good.  I didn’t feel safe at all. I felt uncomfortable. I changed. Again.

You know, changes are difficult, and for such a young age, I experience changes quite often, and it kills. Really. If you’re going through a change now, hang in there dude, you got this.

Okay, doors. The deficient feeling from earlier made me realized that I had to improve myself. I wanted to be like other people, or even more. Greed blinded me. I envied so many people. People my age had grown a lot faster. Even younger people were better than me. Then I felt sorry for myself. I started to blame other people for my lacks. Until one time, I felt useless. I closed all my doors, my windows, everything. I locked myself. I hid my keys. People were knocking, peeking through my windows. I didn't answer to any of it for a quite long time. My parents have the master key to all my doors, but I changed it all, and they didn't know. For a long period of time, I felt like I live alone in this world. Eventually, I'm tired. Sigh.

One day, a small girl came to my front door, knocking quite loud for a long time. I tried to ignore her, but, really, who likes hearing knocks for a long time, right? At last, I opened my door. She went in, slowly, but with firm steps. She knew what she wanted, and she shared it with me. She told me to open view doors, along with a window for me to peek the world from inside. She told me her vision, and she asked me if I'd like to share mine. She helped me a lot to find trust in other people. She taught me how to knock other people's door. She taught me how to make keys. She told me to give the new master key to my parents and a couple of close friends. She told me to open my door to other people too. Slowly, of course. I didn't know why, but somehow, I trust her. Since that day, I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I let other people go in and out of my life comfortably. Sometimes it feels good, others I wanna dump myself in a trashcan for letting it happen. But howsoever, I feel a lot better. 

Bus No. 13

I stare

For a long time

To that empty bus

I stare

On my trembling feet

Wanting to run

To that empty bus

Over and over again

I stare

Down to the puddle under my feet

Wonder if i can recall

Your light brown eyes

I keep staring

Conspicuously

To that empty bus

Wonder if i take it

Would we meet again

At the last stop
When it all started

Dan.

December, 2016. 

Die a lover, die alone

Die with no place to call home

Die a fighter, die alone

I have no place to call home

My God, i've come undone

I have nowhere else to run

All my bridges I have burned

And on me, all my friends have turned

Die a lover, die alone

Die with no place to call home

O my judges, O, my friends

Thank you all, but it's the end. 

Mengenai Keputusan

Inituh tentang sakit.

Sakit hati bisa, sakit jiwa juga mungkin bisa. 

Nggak, bukan tentang dia. 

Sakit dari dia udah bertahun-tahun hilang.

Dan lagipula, kalo ini tentang dia, bunyinya gak akan seindah ini.

Dan mungkin kali ini terlalu indah, sampai air mata menolak turun tangan.

Biru

Desember, 2014.

Apa faedahnya anda tetiba kembali

memohon maaf seujung langit

berkata ingin memulai lagi

antara anda dan saya

namun dalam sececah

anda pergi

dan membuang semua 

yang telah anda bangun

dalam sekelip terang

sekedip kelam

seolah mencambuk saya
dengan memori hibat berkepanjangan

'Unwanted'

is the best type of feeling which could hunts you down every single night, pops up on your face everytime you feel happy, crushes you into 30.000 million pieces and burns your soul till it looks as dark as the night sky without stars and moon. 

It's been a year, you know.